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KW_一切都是我的投射,因此我必須為別人負責?
文章 專欄版編/發表於 2017 01/19, 22:31  
     

    問:
      前段時間,我和交往七年的男友分手了。我們原本已計畫結婚,後來他漸漸變得有些猶豫。我讓他考慮了幾個禮拜,他仍然無法下定決心,只說他覺得自己不夠好,配不上我,我們最後還是分手了。我非常傷心與不捨,但也始終沒弄清楚他究竟怎麼想的。

      以《奇蹟課程》的角度來說,一切遭遇都是我自己吸引來的,這個道理我了解。但是,我還是想要釐清一下,前男友的搖擺不定以及自認為不夠好,也是出於我罪咎的投射,以及我老是想往身外去求,是嗎?我希望兩人的關係可以走得更深,這想法錯了嗎?我是否因為太渴望結婚而犧牲了一段好的感情?

    答:
      《奇蹟課程》認為,我們的肉體生命原是一場夢,而作夢之人正是我們自己。從這一究竟觀點來看,人生的一切遭遇的確都是我們的傑作。不過,別忘了,這個夢者並非我們心目中認為的那個「我」。夢境其實是發生於時空之外的心靈,已經入夢的我們是不可能體會和了解那個層次的。為此,別人的內心作何想法與感受、以及有何作為,都不是我們該承擔的責任。為別人扛責任並不會幫助我們更精進或寬恕得更到位,只會讓自己的罪咎和恐懼更加根深蒂固而已。事實上,想為外在的事物負責、以及想為此居功的這個「我」,都是心靈妄造的產物。換言之,這樣做等於是在標榜虛妄的自我,而它一向相信自己有能力毀滅上主,也為此驚恐不已。

      然而,《奇蹟課程》說的恰恰相反,我們的能力絕不可能超越上主的。不管我們在人間的遭遇多麼淒慘和痛苦,我們也從未錯過天堂的一個音符(T.26.V.5:4),我們始終安居上主的家園,只是在作一個放逐之夢而已(T.10.I.2:1)。如果我們真心想要邁向覺醒之途,就必須為自己「如何看待別人的作為」負起責任,而不是去為「別人的所作所為」負責。我們故意給自己寫了這套悲苦的劇本,防止自己憶起上主聖愛,為此,擺脫痛苦的關鍵便是認出,害我受苦的並非外境,而是我自己選擇了痛苦。《奇蹟課程》教導我們,邀請聖靈作為自己的導師,請祂幫助我們認清,唯有選擇上主聖愛,甘願放下痛苦、罪咎和恐懼,我們才可能真的幸福。

      因此,就你的現況來說,《奇蹟課程》不會評斷你是對是錯,它只會鼓勵你誠實反省自己究竟是與小我還是和聖靈一起作了決定。你渴望婚姻,期待對方也有志一同,這是人之常情,沒有什麼不對。問題是,如果分手會讓你百般困惑,一直陷在情緒裡走不出來,甚至不斷懷疑自己的決定,這可能意味著你還有其他功課有待化解。

      不論如何,你都沒有必要內疚的。事實上,每個人在特殊關係裡遭遇的功課,就代表他與上主關係裡的功課,那也正是當初讓我們不得不淪於世界大夢的肇因。如果你能誠實檢視自己對親密關係的種種信念、感受和期待,下一段關係應該會更順遂。不妨就從「牽聖靈的手」開始吧,請聖靈幫助你以祂慈愛而不帶評判的眼光,一起正視這整段過程。


    選自/奇蹟課程基金會問答服務
    翻譯/妍蓁
    校潤/慧軍、Robert、一心


    Q #1280: I recently ended a seven year relationship with a partner I was planning to marry until he told me he wasn't sure. I gave him several weeks to decide, but he was unable to, saying he felt he was not good enough for me. I ended the relationship very sadly and reluctantly, still not knowing what he really wanted. I understand from the Course that everything that happens to us is made by ourselves. I would like to know if this situation, including his uncertainty and his not feeling good enough, was caused by my guilt, because I was looking for something outside myself. Was I mistaken to want the relationship to move to a deeper level? I am now uncertain if I gave up a loving relationship for the sake of wanting marriage.
    A: A Course in Miracles tells us that this physical life is a dream and that we are the ones dreaming it. So, ultimately, it is true that everything we experience here is of our own making. However, it is not as the individual we think we are that we dreamt all this up. That occurs on a level outside of time and space -- a level that we cannot get in touch with or comprehend from within this dream. Therefore, we do not have to take responsibility for all the thoughts, feelings, and actions of everyone around us. In fact, doing so could be very detrimental because, rather than leading us to greater understanding and forgiveness, it tends to root us more deeply in guilt and fear. This is so because the "I" that tries to take responsibility is just as made up as that which it is attempting to take credit for. Thus, we wind up wrongly attributing power to a false self that is already terrorized by the mistaken belief that it has the power to destroy Heaven and banish God forever.

    The message of the Course is exactly the opposite: We do not have power over God. Despite all the horrors we see and pain we feel, not one note in Heaven's song has been missed (T.26.V.5:4) . We remain "at home in God, dreaming of exile but perfectly capable of awakening to reality"(T.10.I.2:1) . What will help us move toward awakening is not trying to take responsibility for what others do, but rather taking responsibility for our reactions to what they do. Because we script our lives to be full of pain as a defense against remembering God's Love, the key to getting out of our pain is recognizing that it comes not from external circumstances but from our own choice to feel it. The process of the Course consists of asking the Holy Spirit to be our internal Teacher and help us realize that we would be much happier if we chose God's Love over our pain, guilt, and fear.
    And so, in a situation like the one you have described, the Course would not tell you whether you have made a right or wrong decision. What it would do is encourage you to explore whether you made the decision with the guidance of the ego or the Holy Spirit. Certainly, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and deciding you would like a partner who shares that desire. However, since the ending of your relationship was confusing and emotionally difficult and you are now second guessing yourself, it seems likely that there may be other issues involved.

    None of this is reason to feel guilty. Indeed, virtually everyone here has relationship issues since it was our relationship issue with God that compelled us to fall into this dream in the first place. It does sound, though, like it might be helpful for you to look at the beliefs, feelings, and expectations you have around intimate relationships so that future ones go more smoothly. A good first step would be taking the Holy Spirit's hand and asking Him to help you look at what you have just experienced through His loving and non- judgmental eyes.



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